Aches and pains all over, I sit and contemplate the world around not so grounded...i am aching in the back, bum, and thigh muscles. I am aching in my soul which is crying out for a phone call and/or a chance to meet you again. I have so much to tell you and there are so many recent literal and figurative deaths. A colleague with a pace maker and the illness of steiner passed away this sunday. A paronoid schizophrenic in my building committed suicide after smoking too much pot at fifty-four. I have to cut bridges with alcoholic friends of mine or those who take other substances. I miss your brown eyes which are pure, and your smile full of light and containing perfect teeth. You are well-read and easy on the eyes. You have none of the insincerity of the world qualities I despise. You speak your mind as you feel right. I am even taken aback by the little things like me sneezing and you getting up to snatch a napkin or even one for later. I don't want to write quality as I am only thinking aloud. I want a love of my own that can be buried in my heart and under the cloud of my blankets. Sweet skin on my bones and flesh in abundance. I no longer look for a top model but your pudginess would suit me just fine. Where are you and what are you thinking tonight? I am trying to evade my thoughts which are of death and discomfort as I searched the train station to find you. Anxiety was high as there were only locomotives and another drunk guy. He is not so bad either as a friend, but, like me, he has MS. The line he walks is even shakier than my own, as I bundle a bit but sober at least. Je boîte. My foot aches, I have massage oil and no one to use it or explore with. My feet are smelly in relatively new and only worn today socks beneath my lap top. It is a smell only I could get used to, but I miss you. Musn't move too quickly, that I will assure myself and you. When you assume, you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. Isn't that what everyone is shouting in my ears. I like your chin-length hair. You light up every time you look at me from across the street. Please be their on your two feet tomorrow is what I pray and hope for. I gave you my number which is audacious in itself but will you have the guts to call and can you do so tonight? I hate waiting and I always have. I hate the dark so much. As a baby, parents put me in the kitchen with the lights on so I wouldn't put up a fuss for sleeping. Worse than that was when I was ten, cried so much in the hotel room between here and there thinking there was a serial killer near, they or rather mom locked me in the car to calm me down. It traumatized the heck out of me, more like. Crying harder as every car on the highway drove by. With these words, I feel the death around me praying and listening. I won ten francs tonight playing a scratch ticket for 3fr. Maybe the stars will turn in my favor. However, they do say unlucky in love and winning millions to make up for it. I have not had my share of luck in the valentine business. Will your bright brown eyes lead me to see something new in life? Taste the world of knowledge instead of nicotine. You reassured me I could leave that world behind. Yes, I am talking to you in the place of my actual semi-existing boyfriend because I miss him and he isn't here to hold me tight. Suicide had never been an option for me and despite all self-inflicted torture, I was always willing to see the flip side of the coin. I have never known anyone before to go as far as to take their own life. Is it because I stopped ringing their door? His name is Pierre-Yves and he was up on the sixth floor of my apartment building. Dedicate to him a moment of silence tonight. And on that note, I will silence my lonely cries for attention and just say 'ISAM, please call me tonight!' Yes, sometimes I do give orders to God and people. Play the role of domestic tyrant. My fingers are out of control typing. I can't shut up even though I am afraid of where this world will lead me...It probably should lead me to saying NO more often or WAIT a second at the very least. I have to go before I start to spill more guts or sneeze...